Hello Hanzo!
by Ria D'Arcy
Summary: Takes place after the Hunter Exam. Gon and Killua meet Hanzo on the street, only... Hanzo doesn't look like 'Hanzo' *author doubles over in laughter* I don't own any of the characters, this is just my brain wanting to hurt everyone else's brains. Two shot. C2 involves Hisoka and "Hanzo" and how they meet after the Exam...
1. Meeting Gon and Killua

_A/N: Yeah, okay this is going to screw with so many people's brains… Does everyone remember Hanzo?_

_*blank stares* _

_Badge number 294? _

_*blank stares* _

_The bald guy in the Hunter Exam who tells everyone he meets "I'm a ninja"? _

_*people's faces light up in remembrance*_

_Yeah, __**that **__Hanzo. It's time for Gon and Killua to run into him again… I __**SWEAR**__ this is only a one shot, will never ever be continued, and I will be returning to my other fics ASAP! (ducks behind wall to avoid __**Razorblade Mistress'**__s glare)_

XXX

"AH! Gon-kun! Killua-kun!" The two boys turned around; one dressed in green shorts and a matching jacket carrying a fishing rod with spiky black hair, the other with silver and dressed in a white top and blue shorts carrying a green skateboard. They starred dumbly as a young woman ran up to them.

She was older than them, not by much, maybe close to Leorio's age. Not that Leorio _looked_ nineteen… _at all_! So maybe it was a bad comparison. She looked nineteen or so at any rate. Her hair was short for a girl's, hanging just to her shoulders, and was blonde with a pinkish-tint. But she was tall, standing just shy of the boys' combined height, wearing a black outfit that was similar to what the boy's assumed a ninja might wear. Or, at least, the only ninja they had ever met had worn.

To Gon she looked like just another pretty lady. Killua noticed that she was more than just a pretty face. She was fit; the muscles on her arms were defined and she moved with practiced ease among the crowd. She was running towards them, yet managed to avoid touching another person. All this was lost to Gon.

As the woman caught up to them she smiled even more, as wide as Gon.

"Oh my god! I never thought I would see you guys again so soon after the Hunter Exam! How have you been? Done anything exciting since becoming a Hunter Gon? I myself have…" The woman continued to talk as the boys whispered to each other.

"Do you know her Gon?" Killua raised his left hand to shield his mouth as he leaned into his friend's ear.

"Na-uh." Gon whispered back. "Don't you know her?"

Killua made a face that had Gon muffling a laugh.

"Why would I know an old hag like her?"

"She knew your name, she called you out didn't she?"

"Ba-ka! She called your name first." Killua smacked Gon's head. The woman was still talking, oblivious to how the two boys were acting.

"Ya-cha-cha. That _huur_-t Killua!" He complained while grasping his head in pain, a large bump already forming on his forehead.

"Serves you right." In unison the two boys turned back to the woman, who was, unbelievably, still talking about all the things she had done since she had apparently last seen them. Bragging really.

"Ah-na?" Gon interrupted, tightening his grip on the handle of his fishing rod subconsciously. The blonde haired woman stopped midsentence.

"Yes Gon-kun?"

"Um…" Gon was at a loss as to how to ask her politely how she knew them. Mito-san had always taught him to be polite to strangers.

"Who are you, you old hag?" Killua asked bluntly, not at all guilty about insulting the unknown woman.

"Killua! That's not a nice…" Gon tried to chastise the cat-eyed boy but was interrupted as the woman laughed.

"Killua-kun is still blunt, that's good. I mean, I know it's only been a few months so it's kinda impossible for someone's personality to change so much, especially if that personality is as obnox-"

"Hey!" Killua shouted, but the woman continued anyways.

"-ious as yours. But still! I was kind of happy to see you guys in the crowd."

"Oi!"

"You guys really stood out during the exam. Especially you Gon…"

"Oi!"

"… during that tournament. I mean, really! I broke your arm and everything, yet you still didn't hate me!"

"OI!" Killua shouted directly into the woman's ear and she finally seemed to remember who she was talking to.

"How do you know all that onee-san?" Gon asked as Killua blew steam out of his ears.

"I was your opponent silly!" The boys looked at each other…

Looked back at her…

Looked at each other…

And doubled over in a laugh riot! The woman was now the one with steam escaping from her ears.

"WHAT'S SO FUNNY!?" She exploded after nearly five minutes of the boys still laughing at her.

"Haha! Gon's opponent wasn't some old hag like _you_!" Killua grasped his stomach and doubled over in another fit of laughter.

"His opponent was Hanzo right?" She asked, tone biting, and crossed her arms.

"Yeah!" Gon finally seemed to have calmed down, until Killua added,

"He was some bald, ninja guy."

"Well _excuse me_ for disguising myself and forgetting to add a wig." That managed to stop the boys from laughing again.

"You?" Was the echoed question.

"Yes, me. Hanozuka Hattomi. See." And with that the woman, who had supposedly been the bald ninja 'Hanzo' during the exam, produced a Hunter's License that had been issued from the 287th Hunter Exam.

XXX

_A/N: So, I think I made it glaringly obvious in the first couple of paragraphs where the story was going, but who found it funny? I mean 'Hanzo' as 'Hanozuka' a __**girl**__! *doubles over in a fit of giggles*_

_Please review with your opinion on the story! Did I capture the characters personalities? Win? Fail? Am I twisted for thinking up this kind of story? Come on people! FemHanzo?! How many stories like this can there possibly__** be**__?! *leaves for five minutes to go check*_

_NONE! BOO-YAH! And sadly, there is only ONE story on this site that has Hanzo as a main character… that's__** sad**__. That's __**really **__sad. That's as bad as looking for stories with Milluki in them (one of the __**many**__ interesting topics my friend Razor and I get into)._

_So again, please review! And if this made you laugh (or wish to kill me in my sleep) I encourage you to check out my other fics on the site! They may stop you from wanting to murder me… or, you know, *shrugs* make you want to murder me all the more. Bye-bye!_


	2. Meeting Hisoka

_A/N: Yeah I know. This was supposed to be a one shot story. One chapter! Bam! Done! So long Hanzo! _

…

_Yeah, that ain't happening. Don't ask me how my brain works because I was working on __**Meeting because of Mike**__ when this idea popped into my head: What would happen if Hanozuka ran into Hisoka?_

_Like, WTF? Neither of those characters are even __**IN**__ MBOM! *incoherent mumbling*_

_Please enjoy this second installment of __**Hello Hanzo!**_

XXX

I pulled my red baseball cap lower over my eyes and readjusted my strawberry blonde hair beneath it. I was uncomfortable at the moment. And it had nothing do with what I was wearing. Though, admittedly, I was unaccustomed to wearing a pair of short jean shorts and a white tank top beneath a jean jacket. I was dressed like any other teenage girl, perfect for surveillance but _not_ perfect when I spotted a certain… man.

He was sitting on the other side of the open terrace café, sipping away at some coffee blend, his eyes trailing over to my direction time and time again as I tried to focus on my surroundings. Why, oh _why,_ did it have to be _this_ café of all days that Hisoka decided to visit?

The man who looked like a jester with face paint and red hair spiked back was sitting serenely at a table, flicking cards out of thin air to use in the construction of his house of cards.

I sunk lower in my seat, hoping that it would keep him entertained until either he left, or my target left. Now I was regretting taking such an easy mission. But after only just recently finishing the Hunter Exam, the Elders in my village thought it best to only give me surveillance missions.

Which has now proven more life-threatening than all of my usual missions rolled into one…

_Just let him leave without noticing me…_ I had been using _zetsu_ all morning so he shouldn't know who I was… But it being Hisoka, I was more wary than usual.

I watched my target, Annie Ryuusake, the wife to Ryuusake Miyagi-kun (who hired us), leisurely climb to her feet. She was pretty, in her late twenties, with silken emerald tinted light brown hair and eyes. And her appearance was precisely why I was watching her. She was half the age of Miyagi-kun, and he was suspecting her of sleeping with his opposition and leaking secrets about his company.

I was supposed to tail her in the hopes of obtaining the proof he needed for grounds of divorce.

Just as she was about to exit my line of sight I stood up and made to leave, placing a small tip on the table next to my un-drunk chia tea.

As Annie turned a corner I increased my pace, I couldn't lose her. But, of course, the woman had to be heading towards the humongous underground mall. If I wasn't careful she could give me the slip like an egg rolling down a slide.

"Hmm…" I felt the breath against my cheek as a hand snaked around my waist, pulling my back against someone's chest. I instinctively relaxed my body, before aiming a quick elbow jab towards his solar plexus.

It felt like I had just elbowed a brick wall! _Ow_-CH!

"Mhmm… Not so fast there," Hisoka's whispered voice rang through my mind like a harpy's warning cry. I shivered as he licked along my collarbone, whispering in my ear again, "my little Hattomi-_chan_."

His free hand trailed sensually up my spine and I shivered. Hisoka was in the perfect position to do almost anything…

Hold on a minute…

"You _know_ who I am?" Okay… that did not help my situation.

"I never forget a cute face, Ha~tto~mi~chan." I felt his fingers grip my hips as he leaned in and… _sniffed me?!_

Before I was even aware of it my body twisted out of his grip, I slammed my back against the brick wall raising my arms into a somewhat defensive position, bending my knees just enough to give me a quick start if I needed to move swiftly.

Hisoka raised a finger to his chin, licking his lips, as his other hand grasped the elbow across his stomach. He seemed relaxed and… amused… by my reaction. I narrowed my eyes. Wondering if I could get away and find my target before all was lost.

"Ahhh~ Hattomi-chan is… delectable." I shivered as he pierced me with a look filled with lust. That was not a look I was happy to see… and I never wanted to see it again.

"What do you want?" I bit out, trying to mask the fear that had begun to coil in my stomach. Every second I wasted was allowing my target to draw further and further away…

"Nothing…" He shrugged, eyes still filled with animalistic passion. "Just thought I would say hi to a fellow Hunter."

"Alright, you said hi. Now leave. I have work to do." I didn't move, and neither did he. I knew from the last phase of the Hunter Exam I had no chance against him. My nen abilities weren't overly strong, nothing more than novice level when compared to Hisoka's.

He continued to stare at me… He took in my appearance with that gaze of his and against all reasonable explanations I felt my breathing hitch and my face flush.

I felt his aura become laced in killing intent and I shifted my stance. Fighting was off the table, at the first opportunity I would take my chance to run. Too much time had passed since Annie had entered the underground mall. I would never be able to find her today. My only option was to regroup outside her residence and pray she came home tonight.

"Hehehe… Hahaha!" Hisoka reclined a little, thrusting his hips forward. I wasn't sure what was funny but I took the chance while his eyes were closed to run. I didn't care if I was attracting attention, I just ran through the crowd, avoiding people.

I didn't feel Hisoka following me, so I thought I had gotten away. But as I doubled over trying to regain a bit of breath, wiping the sweat from my brow, I saw something sticking out from my left pocket. I slowly reached for it, wondering…

I pulled it out. It was a red backed playing card. An ordinary playing card. I flipped it over to see it was the King of Hearts. Written on it was a simple message.

HITTOMI-CHAN LOOKED CUTE ^^

"Creep-_y_." I threw the card away, praying I never saw Hisoka again. I looked at my surroundings, before I decided to just give up for now and return to the Ryuusake residence.

The sun was setting, elongating my shadow across the ground as I weaved in and out of other people, looking like nothing more than a normal teenage girl on my way to meet friends for a night of fun…

XXX

_A/N: Who's going to be nice and give me feedback? ^,^ You know you want~ to~ _

_Hehehe… I think I really played Hisoka's tune. Did I creep any out with how Hisoka acting? And just so people know:_

_I DO NOT PLAN TO WRITE ANOTHER CHAPTER! …(but I will probably end up doing so, inspiration can hit at any time.)_

_Please review to share your thoughts and opinions on the piece ^,^_


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